Managing Family Stress Over the Holidays?

It's not surprising that the holidays can be a stressful time for many. The holiday season can be a wonderful time to spend with family and friends and get a break from work and our usual routines. As wonderful as it is, it also comes with an added set of chores, commitments, and even conflicts.

Top Holiday Stressors

Get-togethers are a big part of what makes the holidays enjoyable, but even the most well-intentioned gatherings can be stress-filled. Conflict is not uncommon amongst families – particularly when hours are spent together catching up over cocktails, long drives, and busy schedules. We’ve all been there: hot-topic conversations can quickly morph into arguments and can put a damper on an otherwise lighthearted reunion.

There are also many costs associated with the holidays. In addition to increased expenses and a strained budget, there’s the expectation and the desire to give back to the community and the potential for overextending your time commitments at the end of the year. These pressures often come in the form of “should statements”: I should host the perfect party; I should buy the best presents; I should volunteer my time. If these expectations are not met, the resulting feelings of guilt may be overwhelming and manifest in unhealthy ways.

So, can you take the stress out of the holidays? With the proper planning and tools, you can certainly reduce some of the associated stress.

Know Your Stressors and Limits

Take some time to identify your top stressors. Are you placing demands on yourself that are impossible to meet? Are the financial and time-related costs causing you to overextend yourself? Knowing your common stressors are integral to building a stress management plan.

One suggestion for coping includes understanding your limits. Start by tuning into your feelings and observing when you feel uncomfortable, stressed, or anxious – this will help you identify what you need to focus on. You might also notice the feeling of resentment, which may tell you that you’re feeling unappreciated. Learning to say “no” is key. Many who have trouble saying no believe that doing so can be seen as unhelpful, rude, mean, selfish, being difficult, or just not an option at all. But none of these are true; saying no is an important part of preventing burnout from the expectations set by family and friends.

Challenge those Should Statements

For those of you who have the “shoulds” internal dialogue, it’s time to learn to challenge them. A common part of counselling involves learning to notice the “shoulds” in our thoughts. Once we understand that most should statements are impossible to achieve, we can adjust those thoughts to more realistic thinking. For example, I won’t be able to make everyone happy, but I know I’m doing my best.

Make a Plan

Another way to plan ahead this holiday season is to know what typically works for you to manage your usual stressors. Don’t forget the importance of keeping to your self-care this holiday season. This isn’t the time to drop your exercise routine (altogether!) or postpone your 1:1 support sessions – whether with a best friend or your therapist. The holidays are fraught with disruptions to our routines, yet with some planning, we can include the best of what helps us from feeling unhinged. When planning self-care, think of directive, easy-to-do activities focused on your mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical well-being.

Activate Behaviourally

Finally, if you find your thoughts about time with family are already putting you in a bad mood, take some time now to plan for joy and pleasure. In psychological terms, behavioral activation is a tool to fight low moods. It involves finding, scheduling, and completing small activities on a daily basis that bring us pleasure and joy or a sense of mastery and competence. Behavioral activation won’t solve all your holiday stressors, but it can help keep low moods and withdrawal from worsening over time.

So, this holiday season, remind yourself that while you might not be able to change all the stressors around you, with a stress management plan, you are in control of your feelings and behaviours. Make this your favourite holiday experience yet. If you’re having trouble, reach out to our experts whenever you feel the need.

Dr. Khush Amaria is the Senior Clinical Director at CBT Associates, a leading Cognitive Behavior Therapy clinic in the Greater Toronto Area. The organization is part of the CloudMD group of companies. www.cbtassociates.com